Florenza Denise Lee

Setting expectations and goals can be a powerful motivator, but when misused, they can lead to self-sabotage. Here’s how:

1. Unrealistic Expectations: When we set the bar too high, we set ourselves up for failure. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment, which can spiral into a cycle of self-sabotage.
2. Fear of Failure: High expectations often come with a fear of not meeting them. This fear can paralyze us, causing procrastination or avoidance, ultimately hindering our progress.
3. Perfectionism: Striving for perfection can be detrimental. It can lead to chronic dissatisfaction and frustration, as perfection is often unattainable.
4. Negative Self-Talk: When we cannot meet our goals, we might engage in negative self-talk, reinforcing a belief that we are not capable or worthy. This can damage our self-esteem and motivation.
5. Burnout: Constantly pushing ourselves to meet high expectations without adequate rest can lead to burnout. This affects our mental and physical health and our ability to achieve future goals.

Setting realistic, achievable goals and practicing self-compassion are essential to avoiding these pitfalls. Remember, progress is more important than perfection.

When their landing pad is your jump-off!

After transitioning from Germany to the US, we purchased a home rather than rent. Papa Bear and I created a list of our “must-haves” for our tiny babies and set out to find it. The house wasn’t pretty, but it was all we’d asked for and hoped for. With our realtor, we completed all the paperwork and celebrated. With the sellers’ permission, I had my last check forwarded to the house, and we swung by to retrieve it. Upon seeing us, the sellers slammed the door and refused to communicate further. Only after threatening to retain an attorney did they vacate the property. It was insane (and for the record, their delay cost them way more than had they just moved out). Finally, we took possession of the house and, with sweat equity, brought it up to our standards (see photo).

A few years later, I was in the backyard (something I rarely did), and Mr. Bill (the neighbor behind us) called me to the fence. I listened as he tearfully apologized for starting the petition to bar us from buying the property; every other word was “you people this and you people that.” Once he finished speaking, I said to him,

“Mr. Bill, thank you for apologizing, but please know this. Your issue isn’t just that I’m young and Black. Your real issue is knowing that no matter what you do or say, you can’t change the fact that this (I pointed to our house) is my jump-off and that (I pointed to his house) is your landing spot. Trust and believe that I will reach heights you’ve only dreamed of. This is your fear; for the record, it’s also my reality.”

Many years later, we were again stationed in VA, and Papa Bear convinced me to move back into our starter home. As we cleared the house of decades of renters, I could hear the words I’d spoken to Mr. Bill play over in my head. We popped a for-sale sign on her and moved to Old Wythe, our piece of paradise on the river (this came with its own challenges, but I’ll save that for another post). Now, as I sit and type this from our beautiful 7,000 square-foot lake house, a space that even I never could have envisioned, I want to encourage you with these words.

As you journey through this thing we call life, you will encounter many people like the Sewell family (the sellers of the home) and Mr. Bills. You cannot change their perceptions of who and who should not occupy the same space as they do. But you can know this. They aren’t angry that you are _______________ (fill in the blank). They’re upset that you dared to have the audacity to become what they envisioned no one but ______________ (fill in the blank) becoming.

It’s up to you what you allow to take up residency in your soul. You can let their negativity permeate your space, live rent-free, and stifle your growth, or you can do as I did. With grace and a bit of Ghost Pepper sauce, let the Mr. Bills of the world know, “Baby! You’re just mad that your landing pad is my jump-off. Now, stand back and watch me soar!”

The photo shows the house before and after. As with all our homes, once they are “Loved by the Lees,” they never look the same.